Salutations. I am Arun Dhir, chairman of the world renowned Humanity Against Ninjas United Team Group. This is my third time on this stage, and as many of you remember, my speeches tend to be more on the loony side, trying to be funny and all that.
But this time, it's not like that, this is a serious speech. I have grown up and decided to devote myself to important issues of today and would like to address a growing epidemic in the school that I feel needs attention.
Don’t be alarmed, but ninja related accidents at Sir Winston Churchill Secondary have increased by over 142% over the past two years. These accidents range widely in severity and affect everyone. More than 88% of the time, seemingly ordinary accidents, such as tripping over your shoelaces or your hair spontaneously combusting are caused by ninjas.
Now, I’d like to lay down a few basic facts about ninjas. First of all, ninjas are mammals. Secondly, ninjas fight all the time. Ninjas lack any sense of emotion or remorse whatsoever. Here is an excerpt of an interview with a survivor from a gruesome ninja attack from my book “Ninjas and You”, published last year by Roundhouse Kick Books.
“One time there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.”
The topic of ninjas is one rarely addressed in public, mainly as it is so controversial. This is where I come in. I want to be your grade 11 rep. As a grade rep, not only will I undertake the standard duties of actively attending student council meetings, dances, events and evidence burning sessions, but take measures to create Ninja awareness in our community.
At the moment, there is no known way to combat Ninjas, but rest assured, I will continue to invest my blood, sweat, time and curry into this noble cause. Elect Arun Dhir for a Ninja-Free tomorrow.
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